In the summer of 2015, I decided to tear out the carpeting on my staircase. I checked out Do It Yourself videos on youtube and figured I could handle the task on my own. I got straight to work, anxiously aware that projects like these can’t get fully accomplished unless I start and finish them on my summer breaks from school.
Once the carpeting and padding were taken up, the bare boards looked awful. The steps were full of jagged staples and grime. I kept the vision in my mind of the finished glossy white risers and rich dark brown steps to keep me focussed as I worked. Screwdriver and hammer in hand, I loosed every single staple and then sanded like crazy to smooth over the gouge marks my unprofessional removal caused. While perched sideways in my painting clothes, a Margaret Houlihan tank top and my son’s old camouflage shorts, I collected sweat and sawdust on my forehead and back and looked the part of the construction worker by the end of the second day.
Painting was back-breaking as I lay across the steps, contortionist-like, to get the painted edges perfect (not-so-perfect) at the seams between the rich brown and the glossy white. The good news is that the steps eventually looked exactly as I’d hoped they would. I was very pleased. We later had a runner installed to keep the nighttime stair climbing noise to a minimum, and then we called them done.
Strange thing is, we removed the black wrought iron railing to get the job done and never did put it back. Tom and I were so indecisive about how it would look against the brown steps that we left the railing out on the back lawn for far too long. Honestly, days turned into weeks, then to months, then (I can’t believe this either) to years where the railing stayed outside withstanding the weather and seasons. And it didn’t hold up well. Presently, the railing is more rust than shiny black and not an easy fix to just put back up. And besides, we got used to walking up to our second floor bedrooms without holding on. It was a a bit of a trick to balance at first, but we did get the hang of it and thought maybe it was best to just leave it down forever and have it look open and welcoming. Trouble is, that isn’t working anymore because our lives have changed.
Seven months ago, I lost the ability to walk normally. So, seven months ago, that pretty staircase became my nemesis. She is unforgiving when I forget my glasses up there after my shower. She taunts me when I’m tired at the end of the day and I just want to get to bed. She glares at me as a constant reminder of “I can’t”. She may be all dressed up, but she just isn’t nice to me.
The MS-like auto-immune disease that’s kept me from walking and standing normally since last September, the same illness that’s made my face and hands and shoulders and arms and feet and legs numb and tingly has also brought on the most extreme feelings of fatigue that I have ever experienced. I’m grateful to be relatively pain-free so far, but I have instead been dealing with weakness. My legs just don’t hold me up like they did before. They don’t want to go when I say, “Mush”. They are filled with cement, much too heavy for me to lift twelve times to go up to our bedroom.
So my practice has been to shower and dress and make my bed in the morning and gather all I will need for the day before I head down those stairs. I don’t scale them again until Tom is home and we are headed up for the night. He carries any water bottles or phones, laptops, chargers, glasses, etc that I’ll need while we are up there, and I crawl on my hands and knees behind him.
I whimper and whine through each step on most days, with breathing that shows my terrific effort. Sometimes I lay down midway and cry until Tom comes back to help me, offering again to carry me, though I haven’t let him do that yet. I hold on to the steps as I go, trying to remind myself that I did this only yesterday and I can do it once more today. And every night I also remember that we should’ve put the railing back up. Maybe I could walk while holding it if we had a railing. I don’t really know that. It’s just a thought.
Tom and I made the decision to choose a new wooden banister. We talked to a handyman who has been kind enough to manage a few things around the house while Tom now busies himself with things I used to do, like picking up our son from school and grocery shopping and again emptying the dishwasher. Once the new banister is installed, maybe I won’t have as much trouble getting up those stairs. Maybe this last accessory will complete the look we had originally envisioned for her. And maybe once I can hold on to a banister, she and I will get along again.
Or maybe there’s something more. We were considering putting family photos along the wall of the staircase. Lots of families do this. I never have because I imagine my kids knocking them off the wall every time they run their hand by while going up or down. I see shattered glass and empty nails hanging on the wall. I’m not feeling like pictures work for us in that spot, but I like the idea of a scrolled writing decal with a Bible verse. And wouldn’t you know it? God was gracious enough to lead me to the perfect scripture. In addition to the banister, to finalize the decor of the staircase, we have ordered a stenciled decal for the wall of the stairwell that reads:
“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9.
Instead of focussing on my anger at the steps personified into some nasty girl, I’m spending time meditating on this. I’m drawn to its simplicity, its truth, its reminder about human frailty in our continued efforts to plan, but more than all of that I see again a lesson on trust.
God establishes my steps. Nothing that has happened in my life has been a mistake. The course I’m on has been established by Him with me in mind. This crawling up the staircase business is not my plan at all, but it is His plan somehow. I know that God is sovereign and that all of this could disappear with the wave of His Hand. He knows I don’t like it. I’ve told him. He knows I’m suffering. He sees me. He will send relief as He sees fit and in His timing because He establishes every part of my walk.
And it is for my good. That’s hard to say, but I know it is. It must be. He loves me. It is definitely for my good. Enduring this for “a little while” is what He’s called me to do. He promises that “joy comes with the morning”. He promises that He works out all things for my good, because I love Him and because I have been called according to His purpose. These afflictions are monstrous to me, life-changing and frightening and daunting, but they are light and momentary in the grand scheme. Keeping our eyes on things eternal is essential. With eternity in mind, this is a bump in the road.
Perhaps that’s the greater purpose in suffering at all. Without a doubt we are drawn closer to Him because of our full reliance on prayer to bring peace and joy to each moment. If I look at my circumstances, joy and peace are elusive lately, but I trust God because He is my only true source of hope. I don’t like the way my walk looks right now, and I am continually in prayer to change it, but I’m confident that He is with me on it. He hasn’t left, and He knows I’m struggling.
So I’m renovating again by answering my fresh-mouth staircase with scripture. She may be making faces and snarling, feeling like she’s beat me, but the Lord establishes my steps. He has a plan here that is far better than I could’ve come up with. He’s God. He’s the Potter to my clay. He’s the Gardener to my hedges. And He’s the Planner of my steps, even when I’m reduced to crawling.
***THANKS FOR READING. PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT. I’D LOVE TO HAVE THE FEEDBACK.
Want to keep reading? More blog posts are available through the links on the home page. Be blessed.
Beautiful! Keep writing
Thank you, Lauren. You’re a blessing. 🙂
(Please share a link here to your blog. I love to read your writing.)
Thank you for reading, Courtney. And thank you for your kind words. Praying daily for continued strength. Love you, too, dear friend. 🙂
You are a ray of sunshine and optimism! Your spirit and writing are both beautiful! Love you:)
Love you, too, Barbara. Thank you for your continued encouragement. I’m praying that soon and VERY SOON the book of your much-anticipated testimony will be finished. As He leads…
Okay seriously you have to know what an incredible writer you are just blowing me away. Love you!!!
Your stance and “steps” are on paper! You are moving fast and strong! God bless!
You’re a wonderful source of positive thinking, Regina. I thank God for our friendship. God has ordered these steps in forward motion, so I’ll take it…and you’re right. If my steps forward are no longer with my feet, but instead with a keyboard, I am still blessed. 🙂
Very beautiful writing, Catherine.
Thank you, Sonam. And many thanks to you for how hard you’re working to help relieve my symptoms. I am looking forward to being rid of all of this one day soon. 🙂
Dear Catherine thank you for writing what you did because I’ve been listening to God in my inner being and He is telling me to remember that He Loves Me and that is true for everybody but we take too long a time to come to that realization and therefore we miss out on what He has for us and get caught in what nearly everybody else is doing. I hesitate to write some of what I realize because I am so Blessed with only “Old Age” problems and people like you with all of the problems you have dealt with face so much more hardship. I’ll try to send you all of what I told you I was going to share. Still Praying for you and all of your family everyday.
In Family and Christian Love,
Cousin George
George, as always, I am abundantly blessed to have you reading anything God sends me to write. I am grateful for your feedback and for your heart in your replies. None of us gets to know when we are in our last days. Every day really is a gift. And no one escapes the end of their life. The “young” might then be closer to death than those who are far along in years, right? So I’m thinking perhaps all of our problems might be pretty equal. Y’know what I mean? Living isn’t easy, and truly made joyful when we can feel the love of God like you said. Learning how to do that is the task of a lifetime. As you said, we get caught up in what others are doing instead of working on the only relationship that matters: the one with our Eternal Father.
Let’s pray. “Lord, please stick with us when we miss the message that You love us this much. Help us to understand that nothing else really matters at all. Help us to lay down our lives and our own plans to forfeit the independence we so foolishly cling to. Grant us Your wisdom in discerning what voice is Yours so that we may follow You always. We know Your Word says You will lead us in the path of righteousness. Thank You, God, for the promises in the Bible and that they are true. We trust You implicitly. God, no matter the condition of the path. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Your spirit has once again been challenged yet your undying faith and strength are an inspiration. As always, your grace with words touches my soul. You are in my thoughts often, especially during this difficult month.
With love and prayers,
Cousin Lori
Thank you so much, Lori. I love hearing from you always. You’re a treasure to Katie and I both because we see how much you love Andy. Ten years this month. Thank you for always remembering. I love you.
This has really touched my heart on so many levels! ??
God sends such inspiration sometimes. I love that Guy! LOL.
So honored that you had a chance to read this with three pretty girls running around at home that need your attention. Thank you for letting me know that it had a positive impact.
(Please send a link to your blog as well, Karianne. I’d like to share it here. I love your writing!)
I just read your blog. I was saddened to read what you’ve been going through. I will definitely be praying for you. One thing I have learned through my journey is that the Lord has very strong.
Thank you, Dolores. You’re right. The Lord is our strength, and we do learn that through trials, don’t we. :). Thank you for reading. I hope you are well.
Praying for you.
Thank you, Kathie. I truly appreciate your prayers. I know the Lord is doing something in my life. Can’t wait to find out what the heck it is! LOL
For today, I am very blessed to be celebrating the tiny (and TREMENDOUS) victory of WALKING out to the chicken coop!! That’s a very big deal as I’ve only made it out there two other times since August. The BONUS? I got to retrieve the first two pretty eggs of the season for myself. God is good to enable me to get out there, especially today. Thanks for reading.
Hello Dear Catherine, I see things have changed significantly. If there is any help from me you need please let me know. May the Lord be gracious and merciful to you.
Always,
Dr. Reiter
Thank you, Dr. Reiter. I will certainly be in touch. I’ve explored various paths to healing. At this point, we may finally be on the cusp of a diagnosis, though I’ve thought that several times over these months of testing. We shall see. I’m hopeful that once diagnosed treatments will begin that may keep me symptom-free….OR perhaps God has a more miraculous plan of sending healing lickety-split. Either way… 🙂
Long Island misses you!! I hope you have been well. Thank you for reading.
Thanks for thr great article!
It is very comforting to see that others are suffering from the same problem as you, wow!
It is very comforting to see that others are suffering from the same problem as you, wow!
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much!
It is very comforting to see that others are suffering from the same problem as you, wow!
Thanks for thr great article!
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